Full Disclosure

I committed a major act of listening to my inner voice when I left my job and quit the program. I knew that I wanted to keep helping myself and others to unravel the mysteries that keep us tied to unhealthy behaviors surrounding food and self image. But, all I had to offer when I left was the story of my failed struggle and some new and untested ideas of how to develop a new path. I needed to have more to offer. So, I’ve been digging and reading and decided that the best way I can help anyone at this point is to tell my story and then share where my journey takes me.


Ok, time for full disclosure. Here is the history of my 11 years on the program:


When I joined the program I hated the way I felt about food. Everyday was a struggle between me and the food demons and the demons usually won. My desire was to lose 20 to 30 pounds and feel relaxed and attractive. I wanted the tension I always carried to go away and find a clear pathway to follow. The program gave me that path, and I lost 23 pounds in six months. That was as much weight as my mind and body could handle losing. I felt a lot better mentally because I had a method to follow, and although I wasn’t entirely happy with my body, it was enough for the time being.


I started working for the program 1 week before my final weigh-in. My plan was to keep it off for a year and then try to have a second child. Eleven months later, after getting to my goal, I became pregnant with my daughter. I should note that every weigh-in during those 11 months was a struggle (I was usually 2 lbs. or more above goal) and I never saw my exact original goal weight again. I gained 45 lbs. while pregnant (40 during my first pregnancy) and started back on the nursing mothers plan 3 weeks after giving birth. For the next year I worked to get the weight off and became discouraged at my inability to get back to my original goal. My frustration and lack of confidence became so great that I was overeating in response. I settled on moving my goal weight 10lbs. higher just to be done with the emotional grind. For the next 8 years I battled with my weight creeping back up, and any time I blew it and splurged it was close to impossible to get those few pounds off. I would estimate that 90% percent of that time I was eating amounts that should have caused weight loss. At the end of that time I maintained a weight 3 to 5 pounds above my goal.


Now let’s talk about how my body felt. It felt awful. I was weak and tired all of the time and my digestive system was a mess. I had gas and bloating everyday and believed that I was lactose intolerant. Periodically I was having trouble with my right hip and knee feeling sore and kind of arthritic. In the last 2 years it’s been my right index finger feeling that way. I don’t even want to go into the PMS and cramps every month, plus the fact that my cycle has always been somewhat unpredictable. Ugh. I chalked most of this up to the fact that my life was pretty stressful, I was over 35, and was only getting older.


The stress in my life centered around my son, who was having tremendous trouble in school, and because we made the decision to homeschool during this same period. In an effort to see if allergies were causing some of his difficulties we tried a diet that eliminated gluten and dairy. I went on the diet too, in solidarity, and found that my stomach felt a lot better. The diet didn’t ultimately help with my son, and it was extremely hard to follow, so I abandoned it. But it did let me know that I was sensitive to wheat products.


A year or so ago I my gas and bloating seemed to be present regardless of whether or not I avoided wheat. During a homeschool group gathering I was sharing about my stomach troubles with a new friend, and she told me about her experience with healing a reflux problem. She had been to a workshop given by a naturopath discussing the work of a man named Weston Price. He was a dentist, and in the 1930’s he went around the world studying the health of people who were still eating the traditional diets they had been eating for hundreds of years. He found many correlations between the people who had optimal bone structure, teeth without cavities, and general overall health. Of those he studied, a couple of repeating practices that interested me the most were that they soaked their grains before cooking them to promote better digestion, and that most of them ate a high protein and high saturated fat diet. I bought the book “Nourishing Traditions,” co-written by a nutrition researcher who started the Weston Price Foundation to promote Price’s work, and a nutritionist with a PhD in lipid chemistry. This book is about both nutrition and how to cook in a manner based on ancient traditions. I read it, followed it and my stomach trouble went away. My joints began to get better. My PMS mellowed, my cramps became minimal and my cycle became regulated. I also gained 7 pounds. But I was feeling so much more healthy and strong that I knew I couldn’t go back to a low fat diet. Eating low fat seemed to really mess with my hormones. My faith in the ability of the Program to keep me healthy died. Every time I told people the Program was the way, I felt I was telling a lie. While I still believe in the support and emotional healing that can be found there, I can’t endorse the diet and the weigh-in any longer. That’s why I left.


My focus since then has been to find a way of eating that supports my mind, body and heart. Now, while celebrating the holidays and my birthday (i.e. major food consumption opportunities) I have succeeded in not going berserk and not gaining. And yet, my desire to find a way of eating that will help me to lose those extra ten pounds has gone unfulfilled. Last week while at a homeschool gathering, I was again talking with my friend about food struggles and she gave me such good news about her own success, I felt compelled to follow her example. A possible glimmer of hope has presented itself, and I will share more about that in my next post.