After changing my eating habits to follow a Nourishing Traditions guided path (high in animal protein and fat, soaked grains and nuts, whole fat dairy, almost no processed foods) my weight was higher but my strength was returning. My food cravings were low and my mood was more level in general. Their thesis that the increased prevalence of many diseases (including obesity) we currently face coming from the industrialization and over processing of our food supply and a major shift in the focus of the modern diet (higher carbohydrates vs. higher protein and fats) fit well with my own physical experience and instincts.
I then discovered the author Geneen Roth, who writes eloquently and passionately on the subject of food addiction. Her books express the craziness and pain that many of us go through when we are caught in the vicious cycle of overeating and dieting. She believes that the diet mentality (self-denial) is a huge trigger for out of control eating. The amount of self denial you practice will equal the size of the binge coming at you. She writes that when you choose to stop dieting and learn what your deep needs really are, you will naturally start taking care of yourself and stop overeating. Focus on healing the feelings and the behaviors will follow.
I decided to do as Ms. Roth's book suggested and allow myself to eat anything I wanted. I wanted to eat cheese and bread. I ate grilled cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread cooked in butter. I tried making them with Cheddar, then Provolone, and also Munster. I ate them daily and found that I wouldn't be hungry for hours afterward. I also ate ice cream. I tried to eat it with deep mindfulness and be present for each bite. God was that hard. I would sit down to have my ice cream planning to give it my full attention, only to find my mind (and sometimes my body) wandering around looking for something else to do. My daily ice cream also seemed to be making me more moody and tired. I could feel the sugar crash an hour later. I also didn't like that I seemed to need to eat it everyday instead of choosing it. I hated like the way the sugar made me crave it and feel discomfort unless I succumbed. Also, according to the authors of Nourishing Traditions, refined sugar is to be avoided because of a whole list of negative effects it has on your heath. A small taste of that list include: the constant flooding of the system with insulin to deal with the rise in blood sugar causing insulin resistance, links to heart disease, as well as bone loss having to do with the way sugar alters the body's chemistry causing it to pull the calcium from your bones and teeth and lowering your phosphorus levels making you unable to absorb calcium. Tooth decay and osteoporosis anyone?
This brings me up to about a month ago when I was again spending time with the friend who introduced me to Nourishing Traditions. She too wanted to lose some weight and it wasn't happening just eating according to those guidelines. On the recommendation of another friend she had read the book "Good calories, Bad Calories: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom on Diet, Weight Control, and Disease" by Gary Taubes. She felt extremely compelled by the author's analysis and urged me to read it and see for myself. Based on the information she read she had decided to give the Atkins diet a try and was finding it very satisfying. Her food cravings were almost nil and she was losing weight.
Here I was again, feeling lost and rather hopeless about my weight, and very resistant to trying any "official" weight loss diet. I was also resistant to the Atkins diet in particular because of a brief encounter I'd had with it several years ago. It's foggy where it exactly fits on my dieting time line, but I think it was after Brenna's birth when I was unsuccessfully trying to get back to my original goal weight. I tried doing the strictest phase, “Induction,” and I felt so tired, sluggish and almost sick that I gave up pretty quickly. I also remember not losing enough weight to make me want to stick with it. But, because of the recent increase my protein and fat consumption, I should be to handle that part better without feeling so yucky.
My real difficulty was the resistance I felt toward putting my faith in any DIET. The DIETING mentality, and the feelings of deprivation that can evoke, were places I really didn't want to ever visit again. But these extra ten pounds were making me so unhappy and uncomfortable. Some of my clothes felt tight and that was triggering feelings of sadness. I was hearing the voice in my head saying "This might be the one! Do it, do it!" As well as the voice saying, “Don’t let yourself be fooled again and think this is about the food and not how you react to it." I was torn. So I chose to listen to both. I'd give it a try and see what happened. I would remain in charge of the diet and not let it drive me crazy. I'd use all of the knowledge I've gained about myself to make sure that I continued to focus on nurturing and not beating myself up. I would be very careful of the scale and not let it dictate success. I retained the right to get rid of the scale entirely and to just pay attention to how I felt. I could quit at any point and not be a FAILURE.
Stay tuned.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Finding my way
I believe that as children we are connected deeply with an understanding of what is best for us. It is in the process of civilizing us that we are taught to disconnect from that knowledge and to pay greater attention to the word of those who know better. This lack of trust in us is usually practiced when our needs are inconvenient or upsetting. We are told that what we want is wrong or impossible rather than helped to see that everybody’s needs deserve equal respect.
My dieting story begins back in childhood. I come from a very sedentary household where exercise was something alien and to be avoided. I also watched my mom struggle with her weight and self esteem for as long as I can remember. Once puberty came along I developed early and curvaceously. By fifth grade I was tall, had boobs and hips, and probably could have passed for a thirteen or fourteen year old. Being that my social skills were poor and my tastes completely bookish and nerdy, I was highly unpopular. I remember one day while waiting in line on the playground the boy behind me said I had a fat butt. A new dieter was born. I saw losing weight as something I could do to make myself acceptable to others. “Ah ha, that must be why they don’t like me! If I can become skinny and therefore beautiful I will be loved!”
Now, more than thirty years later, I am still hurt by what always hurt me. My lack of trust in myself has become a chronic habit that keeps me from really pursuing my deep inner desires. Focusing on my weight has never really gotten me anywhere. Over and over I become distracted by weight loss or gain, and forget that the point is to feed myself in a way that nourishes my mind, body and heart. When I consider only one of those three I lose my way. I feel that by keeping my focus on reconnecting them I will heal and my body will reflect the uniting of my Self.
A Compass Rose is the symbol on a map that shows the cardinal directions (north, south, east west). My quest is now to rediscover my internal compass and trust that it will guide me. I am the only one who knows all that I hold inside, and I must navigate my own way home.
My dieting story begins back in childhood. I come from a very sedentary household where exercise was something alien and to be avoided. I also watched my mom struggle with her weight and self esteem for as long as I can remember. Once puberty came along I developed early and curvaceously. By fifth grade I was tall, had boobs and hips, and probably could have passed for a thirteen or fourteen year old. Being that my social skills were poor and my tastes completely bookish and nerdy, I was highly unpopular. I remember one day while waiting in line on the playground the boy behind me said I had a fat butt. A new dieter was born. I saw losing weight as something I could do to make myself acceptable to others. “Ah ha, that must be why they don’t like me! If I can become skinny and therefore beautiful I will be loved!”
Now, more than thirty years later, I am still hurt by what always hurt me. My lack of trust in myself has become a chronic habit that keeps me from really pursuing my deep inner desires. Focusing on my weight has never really gotten me anywhere. Over and over I become distracted by weight loss or gain, and forget that the point is to feed myself in a way that nourishes my mind, body and heart. When I consider only one of those three I lose my way. I feel that by keeping my focus on reconnecting them I will heal and my body will reflect the uniting of my Self.
A Compass Rose is the symbol on a map that shows the cardinal directions (north, south, east west). My quest is now to rediscover my internal compass and trust that it will guide me. I am the only one who knows all that I hold inside, and I must navigate my own way home.
Full Disclosure
I committed a major act of listening to my inner voice when I left my job and quit the program. I knew that I wanted to keep helping myself and others to unravel the mysteries that keep us tied to unhealthy behaviors surrounding food and self image. But, all I had to offer when I left was the story of my failed struggle and some new and untested ideas of how to develop a new path. I needed to have more to offer. So, I’ve been digging and reading and decided that the best way I can help anyone at this point is to tell my story and then share where my journey takes me.
Ok, time for full disclosure. Here is the history of my 11 years on the program:
When I joined the program I hated the way I felt about food. Everyday was a struggle between me and the food demons and the demons usually won. My desire was to lose 20 to 30 pounds and feel relaxed and attractive. I wanted the tension I always carried to go away and find a clear pathway to follow. The program gave me that path, and I lost 23 pounds in six months. That was as much weight as my mind and body could handle losing. I felt a lot better mentally because I had a method to follow, and although I wasn’t entirely happy with my body, it was enough for the time being.
I started working for the program 1 week before my final weigh-in. My plan was to keep it off for a year and then try to have a second child. Eleven months later, after getting to my goal, I became pregnant with my daughter. I should note that every weigh-in during those 11 months was a struggle (I was usually 2 lbs. or more above goal) and I never saw my exact original goal weight again. I gained 45 lbs. while pregnant (40 during my first pregnancy) and started back on the nursing mothers plan 3 weeks after giving birth. For the next year I worked to get the weight off and became discouraged at my inability to get back to my original goal. My frustration and lack of confidence became so great that I was overeating in response. I settled on moving my goal weight 10lbs. higher just to be done with the emotional grind. For the next 8 years I battled with my weight creeping back up, and any time I blew it and splurged it was close to impossible to get those few pounds off. I would estimate that 90% percent of that time I was eating amounts that should have caused weight loss. At the end of that time I maintained a weight 3 to 5 pounds above my goal.
Now let’s talk about how my body felt. It felt awful. I was weak and tired all of the time and my digestive system was a mess. I had gas and bloating everyday and believed that I was lactose intolerant. Periodically I was having trouble with my right hip and knee feeling sore and kind of arthritic. In the last 2 years it’s been my right index finger feeling that way. I don’t even want to go into the PMS and cramps every month, plus the fact that my cycle has always been somewhat unpredictable. Ugh. I chalked most of this up to the fact that my life was pretty stressful, I was over 35, and was only getting older.
The stress in my life centered around my son, who was having tremendous trouble in school, and because we made the decision to homeschool during this same period. In an effort to see if allergies were causing some of his difficulties we tried a diet that eliminated gluten and dairy. I went on the diet too, in solidarity, and found that my stomach felt a lot better. The diet didn’t ultimately help with my son, and it was extremely hard to follow, so I abandoned it. But it did let me know that I was sensitive to wheat products.
A year or so ago I my gas and bloating seemed to be present regardless of whether or not I avoided wheat. During a homeschool group gathering I was sharing about my stomach troubles with a new friend, and she told me about her experience with healing a reflux problem. She had been to a workshop given by a naturopath discussing the work of a man named Weston Price. He was a dentist, and in the 1930’s he went around the world studying the health of people who were still eating the traditional diets they had been eating for hundreds of years. He found many correlations between the people who had optimal bone structure, teeth without cavities, and general overall health. Of those he studied, a couple of repeating practices that interested me the most were that they soaked their grains before cooking them to promote better digestion, and that most of them ate a high protein and high saturated fat diet. I bought the book “Nourishing Traditions,” co-written by a nutrition researcher who started the Weston Price Foundation to promote Price’s work, and a nutritionist with a PhD in lipid chemistry. This book is about both nutrition and how to cook in a manner based on ancient traditions. I read it, followed it and my stomach trouble went away. My joints began to get better. My PMS mellowed, my cramps became minimal and my cycle became regulated. I also gained 7 pounds. But I was feeling so much more healthy and strong that I knew I couldn’t go back to a low fat diet. Eating low fat seemed to really mess with my hormones. My faith in the ability of the Program to keep me healthy died. Every time I told people the Program was the way, I felt I was telling a lie. While I still believe in the support and emotional healing that can be found there, I can’t endorse the diet and the weigh-in any longer. That’s why I left.
My focus since then has been to find a way of eating that supports my mind, body and heart. Now, while celebrating the holidays and my birthday (i.e. major food consumption opportunities) I have succeeded in not going berserk and not gaining. And yet, my desire to find a way of eating that will help me to lose those extra ten pounds has gone unfulfilled. Last week while at a homeschool gathering, I was again talking with my friend about food struggles and she gave me such good news about her own success, I felt compelled to follow her example. A possible glimmer of hope has presented itself, and I will share more about that in my next post.
Ok, time for full disclosure. Here is the history of my 11 years on the program:
When I joined the program I hated the way I felt about food. Everyday was a struggle between me and the food demons and the demons usually won. My desire was to lose 20 to 30 pounds and feel relaxed and attractive. I wanted the tension I always carried to go away and find a clear pathway to follow. The program gave me that path, and I lost 23 pounds in six months. That was as much weight as my mind and body could handle losing. I felt a lot better mentally because I had a method to follow, and although I wasn’t entirely happy with my body, it was enough for the time being.
I started working for the program 1 week before my final weigh-in. My plan was to keep it off for a year and then try to have a second child. Eleven months later, after getting to my goal, I became pregnant with my daughter. I should note that every weigh-in during those 11 months was a struggle (I was usually 2 lbs. or more above goal) and I never saw my exact original goal weight again. I gained 45 lbs. while pregnant (40 during my first pregnancy) and started back on the nursing mothers plan 3 weeks after giving birth. For the next year I worked to get the weight off and became discouraged at my inability to get back to my original goal. My frustration and lack of confidence became so great that I was overeating in response. I settled on moving my goal weight 10lbs. higher just to be done with the emotional grind. For the next 8 years I battled with my weight creeping back up, and any time I blew it and splurged it was close to impossible to get those few pounds off. I would estimate that 90% percent of that time I was eating amounts that should have caused weight loss. At the end of that time I maintained a weight 3 to 5 pounds above my goal.
Now let’s talk about how my body felt. It felt awful. I was weak and tired all of the time and my digestive system was a mess. I had gas and bloating everyday and believed that I was lactose intolerant. Periodically I was having trouble with my right hip and knee feeling sore and kind of arthritic. In the last 2 years it’s been my right index finger feeling that way. I don’t even want to go into the PMS and cramps every month, plus the fact that my cycle has always been somewhat unpredictable. Ugh. I chalked most of this up to the fact that my life was pretty stressful, I was over 35, and was only getting older.
The stress in my life centered around my son, who was having tremendous trouble in school, and because we made the decision to homeschool during this same period. In an effort to see if allergies were causing some of his difficulties we tried a diet that eliminated gluten and dairy. I went on the diet too, in solidarity, and found that my stomach felt a lot better. The diet didn’t ultimately help with my son, and it was extremely hard to follow, so I abandoned it. But it did let me know that I was sensitive to wheat products.
A year or so ago I my gas and bloating seemed to be present regardless of whether or not I avoided wheat. During a homeschool group gathering I was sharing about my stomach troubles with a new friend, and she told me about her experience with healing a reflux problem. She had been to a workshop given by a naturopath discussing the work of a man named Weston Price. He was a dentist, and in the 1930’s he went around the world studying the health of people who were still eating the traditional diets they had been eating for hundreds of years. He found many correlations between the people who had optimal bone structure, teeth without cavities, and general overall health. Of those he studied, a couple of repeating practices that interested me the most were that they soaked their grains before cooking them to promote better digestion, and that most of them ate a high protein and high saturated fat diet. I bought the book “Nourishing Traditions,” co-written by a nutrition researcher who started the Weston Price Foundation to promote Price’s work, and a nutritionist with a PhD in lipid chemistry. This book is about both nutrition and how to cook in a manner based on ancient traditions. I read it, followed it and my stomach trouble went away. My joints began to get better. My PMS mellowed, my cramps became minimal and my cycle became regulated. I also gained 7 pounds. But I was feeling so much more healthy and strong that I knew I couldn’t go back to a low fat diet. Eating low fat seemed to really mess with my hormones. My faith in the ability of the Program to keep me healthy died. Every time I told people the Program was the way, I felt I was telling a lie. While I still believe in the support and emotional healing that can be found there, I can’t endorse the diet and the weigh-in any longer. That’s why I left.
My focus since then has been to find a way of eating that supports my mind, body and heart. Now, while celebrating the holidays and my birthday (i.e. major food consumption opportunities) I have succeeded in not going berserk and not gaining. And yet, my desire to find a way of eating that will help me to lose those extra ten pounds has gone unfulfilled. Last week while at a homeschool gathering, I was again talking with my friend about food struggles and she gave me such good news about her own success, I felt compelled to follow her example. A possible glimmer of hope has presented itself, and I will share more about that in my next post.
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