Finding my way

I believe that as children we are connected deeply with an understanding of what is best for us. It is in the process of civilizing us that we are taught to disconnect from that knowledge and to pay greater attention to the word of those who know better. This lack of trust in us is usually practiced when our needs are inconvenient or upsetting. We are told that what we want is wrong or impossible rather than helped to see that everybody’s needs deserve equal respect.

My dieting story begins back in childhood. I come from a very sedentary household where exercise was something alien and to be avoided. I also watched my mom struggle with her weight and self esteem for as long as I can remember. Once puberty came along I developed early and curvaceously. By fifth grade I was tall, had boobs and hips, and probably could have passed for a thirteen or fourteen year old. Being that my social skills were poor and my tastes completely bookish and nerdy, I was highly unpopular. I remember one day while waiting in line on the playground the boy behind me said I had a fat butt. A new dieter was born. I saw losing weight as something I could do to make myself acceptable to others. “Ah ha, that must be why they don’t like me! If I can become skinny and therefore beautiful I will be loved!”

Now, more than thirty years later, I am still hurt by what always hurt me. My lack of trust in myself has become a chronic habit that keeps me from really pursuing my deep inner desires. Focusing on my weight has never really gotten me anywhere. Over and over I become distracted by weight loss or gain, and forget that the point is to feed myself in a way that nourishes my mind, body and heart. When I consider only one of those three I lose my way. I feel that by keeping my focus on reconnecting them I will heal and my body will reflect the uniting of my Self.

A Compass Rose is the symbol on a map that shows the cardinal directions (north, south, east west). My quest is now to rediscover my internal compass and trust that it will guide me. I am the only one who knows all that I hold inside, and I must navigate my own way home.